I wrote the bulk of what's below in early December 2008, over 6 months ago. It was a late night ramble, that turned into a loose sketch of the current state of things in my life. The initial sentences were prompted by a bdsm thread on a forum and seem now, at first glance, thematically, to be somewhat separate from the rest of the writing. However in essence it all interrelates. It speaks of my experience and issues of fear, entrapment, insecurity, delusion, self-knowledge, self-confidence and self-determination.
At the time I'd been toying with the idea of blogging for at least 6 months but was too scared to post anything. YES, too scared to post, even to a blog where I was the only person who knew the url! It seems incredible now, how scared I was about just typing the words and saving them in a google doc, in my 'secret' email account. I've only recently gotten over this sort of blockade.
Reading back over this doc yesterday, for the first time since I wrote it, I was struck by the truth of it all and I really wanted to post it, to put it out there, to share it. It reminds me of how much I've changed deep inside in recent years, and of how much I've learned about myself, and about how much fear I've stared down, and how silly and insubstantial all those great big fears turned out to be. I think writing and sharing myself is key to continuing this process of growth.
Uhm, so here it is -
This shit both scares and intrigues me.
I'll look at anything, and read anything, especially online.
And I've done alot of that in the past year.
I've always known that I like sex when it gets a little assertive, borderline rough.
I see my desire as wanting to be taken.
Not completely sure what drives it but suspect it's some insecure thing inside of me that says,
"I need to know that you want me".
I want him to be unquestionably turned on and to reach out and take me, hold me down, mount me, and yes, to force himself upon me, inside of me. Rape fantasy? maybe
Please prove it to me, that I am desirable. I need to know.
Unfortunately I'm married to the least forceful man in the world.
So how did that happen?
whassup wid dat?
idk
In fact my h is so "least forceful" that in the past 7+ years he's been impotent.
long story
no fucking idea why
yes "no fucking"
I've got a million scenarios and theories.... but nothing for sure.
Well, nothing for sure
other than the damn certainty that he is not going to fuck me (period).
For a while he'd get it up but then limp out at the moment of penetration.
It felt like some kind of torture.
It pissed me off but then I knew that any negative comments from me would be counter-productive
and so it became a classic "no win" situation
damned if I did and damned if I didn't.
He'd say "oh well, I guess it's not going to work" and then just quit
I'd say sweetly, "That's ok honey, I'm sure that next time..."
DAMN!!!
grrrrrrrrrrrrr
I now believe that there will never be a next time.
And I hate that.
Words are inadequate to express my disappointment and anger,
a sledgehammer could come close but not quite.
So anyway, this lack of action seriously messed with my mind
and my emotional soul, neither of which was spiffy strong and unwarped to begin with...
The situation left me feeling most inadequate.
I see now that it reinforced long-standing feelings of unworthiness,
confirmed my core nature as unlovable.
As if,
There's something wrong,
and it must be me.
I held the pain inside for so very long.
I only recently let it out,
shared it with another person,
online,
a virtual person
but vitally comforting just the same
and that act of sharing,
was the scariest thing I've ever done in my entire life
and well worth it too, because
I believe that
my bravery and vulnerability,
coupled with his response
has made all the difference.
I've found energy and courage to resurrect a sex life for myself.
Yeah, it's a virtual sex life, but damn! is it fun and energizing!
And it has become a first step in finding myself again -
aw heck, maybe not 'again' but maybe for the first time, for real -
a step towards claiming life, and my existence, as my own.
Through those dry years, I never stopped masterbating.
I knew I was hurting, but still, I considered myself alive and aware.
I now view that time as life support,
like forced breath and sustenance, ventilators and IVs, machines pumping away,
holding real life in suspension, preserving potenial, but not truly living.
Feeling confined by the marriage there could be no relationship other than the one with myself,
and so there could be no exchange of energy, no movement
I became stagnant, only half alive, walking dead.
I can see now how my home base of fear and insecurity guided me throughout my early years and put me on this path. I'm grateful that chance and the internet provided me new opportunity. I hope I don't squander it.
Oh god how weird! 51 years! and I feel like I'm just beginning.
I was so sure and certain of everything,
I knew that safety lay in being alert, smart, careful and cautious; and that
my marriage was made in heaven, it was meant to be,
it was love at first site, he was all I ever needed in this world to be happy.
I've always been a loner and comfortable with that fact.
I convinced myself that I only needed one friend and he was it.
Funny how I ignored all the differences and incompatibilities,
how I accepted whatever he gave, and thought I was lucky.
I wrote off my true desires along with all the hurt feelings; constantly
but never taking action in their, my, defense.
I did all this until he left me no choice.
I clung to the illusion of perfect happiness,
until he abandoned "us" and coasted into his own oblivion (where he sits
Alone I open my eyes, face the truth, or else.
Yeah, this shit - past, present and future - both scares and intrigues me.
