clarity

"songbird in a golden cage"

yes that's it
i am his joy, his life, vibrancy and song....
externally held

for ready access on those rare occassions when he is in the mood,
or can channel an alive feeling through massive quantities of alcohal

he craves life but doesn't know it
he thinks he's happy
ask him, he'll tell you
but warning, he'll lash out in anger if you challenge him on that point

she, his joy, can not reside inside him
he doesn't want to feel her inside, that'd be too tempting, too hard to keep hidden and quiet
and so he must not acknowledge her as an integral part
and that is why he needs me,
all so he can exist in this kind of warped wholeness
and so he can slap it down, make it hurt,
crush it as it bubbles up making him uncomfy

yeah! i got this shit!!! :)
it all makes perfect sense now
i've read hardcore psychology stuff for years
and some of it makes sense easily, on the first read through
but other parts, require repetition,
are initially understandable only on a surface level
like a theory or an abstract,
if you work at it and turn it over in your mind you can see how it does make a sense,
the pieces fit, but there's no intimacy, no deeper knowing,
no intuition solidifying the concepts
cuz it's all just words
until you discover the personal application,
see the living breathing pattern in your own life
then you truly understand

i've had these revelations before when contemplating my marriage, people in my life
and my own behavior
but somehow this one this morning seemed fresh and new and exciting

a variation of the lightbulb moment but broader and deeper
that's what i got today laying in bed rolling this stuff over in my head for the umpteenth time
i finally truly saw our relationship,
the mechanism behind the reaction
phew!
damn! i'm slow 5+28
trouble listens "time waits for no one"
better late than never?
tortoise and the hare
grand canyon chinese water torture drip drop

chem lab 101

Some people are precipitates, stable compounds,
settling to the bottom of the flask, or clouding the solution
and scattering light.

Some of us are fluid reactants, active participants,
in motion, combining recombining, readily subject to
the variables - time, temperature, pressure,
and the occassional catalyst.

Others yet, are gaseous forms driven to expand,
rising and escaping into the unbounded atmosphere.
Hold them in and the pressure builds. Let them bubble
up freely and they'll disappear.

"Stop waving your arms you're safe and dry"

tag this one "crazy thoughts"......

Looking for something that's still missing...
I just now found one of those hispanic prayer candles in amongst some camping stuff in the attic. On some previous trip I'd probably forgotten to pack a lantern and so picked up the candle at a grocery store while traveling.

Today has been full of clues that I'm entering the smackdown zone, again...
like the universe, subject to Newton's 3rd law of motion, is compelled to balance my earlier inflation...
But maybe the candle was sent as a little life raft for me to hold onto?

I light it now and pray aloud.

We thank you San Martin Caballero for protecting us today from spiritual and bodily dangers. Keep vigil over us all until darkness gives way to light and another day arrives from the hands and heart of the Lord who loves us all....
Amen

welcome home

I had a nice little roadrip last week, very symbolic....

Hubby and I drove together to hook-up with my college roommate and her family at the beach on Memorial Day. For the return I put him on an airplane and took the long way home. (lol Supertramp reference not entirely conscious, but damn appropriate!)

Four days alone at my own pace I moved. On the final day I turned toward home but only after wandering around a swamp scouting future paddle trips, and having a wonderful lunch in a little nowhere town, and lingering over a rich warm conversation for dessert. Driving I had a feeling of resolution, like I'd accomplished something; something invisible, that few would understand even if I bothered to try and explain. Yeah, invisible, but necessary and ineffable(?).

As I hit town, I texted h and we met for dinner in a restaurant. Then on the very last leg to the house, this playlist began to come together. Oh god! I love driving and singing at the top of my lungs \(^O^)/

Anyway I've been wanting to try this create-your-own-internet-radio thing and so I did.

http://8tracks.com/delicious_spark/delicious_spark-s-welcome-home-6-04-10-mix

Warning: There are some potentially whiplash inducing genre changes in the mix...
...ha ha, and they are in there on purpose!!! :^)

beauty all around

Mimosa trees are great climbing trees for young children.
Their bark is not too rough, plus the trunks and branches splay out at gentle angles.
In addition, they've got fragrant fringed blossoms, super cool compound leaves and funky seed pods to fuel the imagination.
When I was a kid I loved the Mimosa in our front yard. There was also one beside my maternal grandparents' home.

Driving across North Carolina last week I noticed tons of Mimosas in full bloom.
They reminded me of a couple of the last conversations I had with my beloved paternal grandmother.

"Hey look out that window. All that pink! So pretty! What do you think that is?"
"It's a huge azalea in full bloom. It really is beautiful."
(Left unsaid was - It's the one you planted by your bedroom window 50 years ago.)

"Hey look out that window? What's that pretty pink color? Is something blooming out there?"
"Yes, Mimosas. Want to go outside and look at them?"
I wheeled her chair through the nursing home's empty parking lot.
She marveled at all the beautiful blossoms. We picked some up off the ground and sniffed them.
I can still see those trees in my mind, crowded together, all pink and green, wild and overgrown, reaching over the fence, pushing through the bramble.

Why does a nursing home need 6 foot chain-link topped with razor wire?

How can anyone call them weed trees when they bring such peace and joy?