whr? which which way does this road go?????

there is this glossing over thing
that just happens

 established

as a matter of course
it seems so nonchalant

and so,
what wth am I supposed to do with THAT? huh?

dont think much of anyone notices
and well, that's the point, right? to fly just
under the radar


 establish residency
right?
 I've been here from X years, now whatcha gonna do with that? hmmm?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

omg I can't believe how long it's been since I posted!!!!!!

I just need to feel good

every

now and

then

some other kind of surprise

continuity

absolutely nothing
say it again

huh

autonomy

their leap of faith
your stumbling attempt 
both are required, you know

potentiality and actuality
merge, to create
being 

can you touch it?
will you allow it?
can it stand?

sesshin swimming hole

wavering ripples of sunlight
dance along tree trunks
I silence my breath
one with the liquid mirror

nostrils suspended at reflective surface
feet in muck
I am turtle
hanging stillness
I am snake
watching patterns
Yes she knows my name
No orphan am I
Earth is my witness
River, salvation
cooled by the climb, I go on
fired by her flow, I dive in
heat-sink and water-wheel
through grace-works, I live

mole, a unit of measurement

i pushed the envelope
paper cut?
no, not this time

it was all i could do
how can that be?
SO SO tiny

almost
imperceptible
ears

lock your doors! specs on!
when they pull you over
they're gonna look for technicalities

"aw man, yeah! they'll bust you for that"
duct tape, wind gusts, knife slash
celine and larry live

moment arm, wait to return
"i got a puppy
my wife would be SO happy"

attired in souvenir

Some dozen or so years ago a new store came to our mall. Now lemme state right up front here, I am not and never have been a shopaholic kinda girl. However at that time there were quite a few preteen girls in my life. And therefore trawling the mall, and clothing stores in particular, was a required leisure time activity. I weaseled out and sent my husband as often as I could; but still, ended up logging plenty of mall time over those years.

I liked this new store overall, the styles suited me ok. I could find things to wear for myself there, as well as the kids. And you couldn't say that about most of the stores that were popular with these girls.

One thing though really bugged me about it. And that was their tendency to stock a large number of "fake" vacation t-shirts. I could not understand why anyone would want to wear a t-shirt that said something like "Cool City Beach" or "Scenic Mountain Resort" unless they really had been to Cool City and/or Scenic Mountain. The attractive colors and graphics could not tempt me into buying these shirts. The kids thought I was being a stupidly over-serious adult. I however couldn't get over it.

There seemed to me to be a double false advertising thing going on with the selling and the wearing of these shirts.
Number one - These places didn't exist! AND
Number two - The shirts were being sold at a major shopping mall national chain store (and all over the country I imagine). This was the antithesis of the casual fun locations the shirts were pretending to be advertising.

I think this bothered me especially hard because some of my favorite clothes over a lifetime have been in fact things I bought on vacation. Wearing them always brought extra fun because they reminded me of the trip memories... and... and ... Oh yeah that's why they are called souvenirs, huh?

A few prime examples come to mind.

Yellow t-shirt with rainbow stripe sunrise across the chest
Panama City Beach Florida 1979
College boyfriend, his older brothers and their friends. Motel on the beach, a swimming pool, goofy golf, boiled shrimp, cold beer and a whole bunch of older young adults treating us like equals!
OH Yeah! Now Those were heady times! ;)

Green fuzzy-lined wind breaker
YMCA of the Rocky's 1977
I was in love. I thought she was the greatest! Ah but the winter seasonal job didn't come through so I couldn't stay as long as I wanted. White Christmas, tiny tree, free lodging, back rubs, snowmobiling, swimming in a pool surrounded by glass walls with !snow! piled way up high outside, food poisoning on the last night, followed the next morning by a L O N G awkward cross country drive with HER parents.
Oh my, to be young and free again! :)

Red long sleep shirt
Nags Head North Carolina 1970(?)
Or was it '71? Hmmm, bet the weather service could probably tell us. I'm sure they made note of that gale.
Barrier island campgound. My floorless tent blew straight up and away! Driving rain. Lightning! OMG! the relentless lightning! even Daddy was scared, you could hear it in his voice. And as the water rose to ankle-deep in my parent's tent, we dashed for the car with its rubber-savior tires. Led by a ranger to the bath house on stilts, we survived the night sleeplessly with a host of other folks, All, with stories to tell.
Now THAT'S a vacation! :D

Of course those particular souvenir shirts have long since worn thread-bare
but the fond memories of the trips (and the clothes) still linger.

I surely didn't need those shirts to remember said trips; they were pretty fucking memorable trips in and of themselves. But still, I loved my souvenir clothing with a passion that my other clothes (sadly) never experienced. They were not simply utilitarian or pretty; they were more. As a matter of fact most of my fave souvenir wardrobe items were not to my usual tastes, in terms of color or design. And yet I'd bought them anyway, driven by the desire to hold fast to memories. And so the fact that they didn't "match" my usual style, I guess, moved me into new territory, expanded my palette, literally and figuratively... and that is a good thing, I think. And I loved them all the more for their fashion-misfit uniqueness.

There at the mall umpteen years ago, in my adult stodginess, it seemed to me that the fake souvenir shirts were violating something sacred. I absolutely could not understand why anyone would want to wear something that implied meaning, and yet was blatantly false.

This fashion trend disturbed me for years, but I think I've come full circle.

Lately my reading material and personal thoughts have leaned in the direction of illusion, and the idea that life is an illusion; that our daylight world is equally as unreal as we commonly believe our night-time dream world to be. The more I relax my mind into this framework, the more my life seems to fit this interpretation.

And so, full-circle, I must ask, why not embrace a pretend souvenir?

Each generation leads us into new territory. Perhaps the fact that today's fashion designers and today's teens have no problem with fake souvenirs isn't such a perverse and evil thing. Maybe we should embrace their in-your-face deception as a useful reminder that nothing is real, and clinging to single moments is futile.