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Of the books I read this summer, two that I finished last week turned out to be especially interesting and useful.
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[U][B]Sadomasochism In Everyday Life, [I] The Dynamics of Power and Powerlessness[/I][/B][/U] by Lynn S. Chancer
NO! this is not a book of sexual titillation. It is a serious scholarly publication that encompasses far more than sex. However I guarantee you that if you carry it around in your purse and pull it out in public to read, you will draw some stares. :^)
The author convincingly (I think) argues that sadomasochism is more common and widespread in societies like the United States than most people realize. Sexual S&M, that most people consider to be the sum total of the meaning of the word, is essentially just the tip of the ice berg. It is the attention grabbing individualistic and very narrow example of a behavorial dynamic that is actually a reflection of our overall social structure. After working through the author's examples of various sadomasochistic relationships described in the book, it becomes obvious that we are all so familiar with the dynamic, we have lived it in so many different situations, that it has become virtually invisible, and can seem normal, inescapable.
She reveiws the dynamic from both the viewpoint of existentialism and psychology; from our core need to be recognized by another human being and also from a child development standpoint. She gives examples from common everyday interactions such as waiters or cab drivers in relationship with their customers. In addition she also draws on history and large social movements to illustrate the dynamic at work in the larger setting. She identifies paternalism, capitalism and protestantism as roots and perpetuators of this social dynamic. She gives multiple examples and illustrates the patterns of behavior clearly, between individuals and within large groups,
Whether you call it power vs powerlessness, or dominace vs subordinance, or master/slave, or employer/employee... we are all players in the game everyday, hierarchically arranged, both individually and collectively. We interact and follow chains of command in the work place, at home, in our local communities and even nationally on the world stage. We are stratified by economics, race, gender and political identifications, to name a few. And each of these layers increases the complexity of the sadomasochistic picture of our lives. We constantly posture and project our unwanted identities and attempt to exert control in paradoxical ways.
However, it is important to note that not all interactions involving power vs powerlessness etc are sadomasochistic.
"Hierarchy and unequal power are necessary but not sufficient conditions for the ground on which a sadomasochistic dynamic may later develop." (pg 2)
The author identifies 4 specific criteria which identify the sadomasochistic dynamic.
1) "an excessive attachment exists for both parties"
2) the "interaction has a repetitive and ritualistic character....... neither (party) can assume or unassume their respective roles by an arbitrary or simple exertion of will."
3) there exists "a dialectical form of interaction, constantly changing and moving, in flux........ each position has the potential for transformation into the opposite..... even if not generally realized or realizable by conscious intentionality..."
4) the "most central criterion for determining the presence or absence of the sadomasochistic dynamic is whether individuals (or groups) positioned masochistically face severe consequences should they question, talk about, or challenge the power of those individuals (or groups) who are structurally more powerful."
(pg 3-5)
She also uses the terms subordinate or dominant in combination with sadism and masochism, to describe the fact that we are all embedded in a matrix of social relationships. In other words we are not isolated, we do not live in a vacuum, and therefore both sides of the dynamic coexist in each person/group. A common example of this from the work place would be the office boss who is dominantly sadistic to his secretary but behaves subordinately masochistic towards the chairman of the board.
The big stuff - like discussions of Nazi anti-Semitism or African apartheid, society's need for criminals, the creating of enemy others, racial predjudice, the alternating history of labor movements vs industrialists etc - was all fascinating reading, and especially so, because she wove the strands together and consistently brought the reader back to the predictable patterns.
However, of most personal interest and utility to me was the exploration of individual relationships and the repeated examples, both small and large, of her specific criteria. In particular I got alot of practice at recognizing:
#3 - the constantly changing nature of and intrinsic transformability of the relationship (i.e. the dialectic plus the role reversal aspects where S becomes M and, M becomes S)
and
#4 - the litmus test of whether the masochist can challenge the sadist without consequence.
I've lived this stuff all my life and never before gotten such a good grip on it.
That ever changing nature makes it slippery! However, some part of me has long known that there's a pattern and this stuff can be predicted. But I've denied it repeatedly, always thinking "next time will be different". I was too close, immersed. This book has given me a much bigger perspective.
Key characteristics that I've now come to see clearly are:
- Although the ultimate outcome of the relationship can not be determined, there are certain structural elements of the dynamic that imply predictable patterns.
- There exists a systemic instability of the relationship due to constant escalation of tasks or hoops that the masochist must jump through for the sadist. Because both parties are blind to essential personal truths regarding their dependence and independence, neither can fulfill or be fulfilled. There can only be ever increasing demand and effort.
- The masochist who does not collapse and die or run away from the burden, can not help but build strength through the ever increasing challenges laid out by the sadist.
- "The masochist can never gain the recognition and approval from the sadist so fervently desired because the sadist is structurally incapable of bestowing it completely while remaining sadistic." (pg 66)
- "Because of the masochist's structural positioning, she or he is more likely to escape the dynamic because it is the masochist who gains power through working at the tasks that the sadist merely demands..." (pg 66)
Here at home we had a blow-out of an argument after dinner a few days ago. I credit the knowledge and perspective I gained from this book with helping me deal with that night. The book gave me alot of practice at identifying and describing the sadomasochistic dynamic at play in different situations. As a result I never doubted myself during or after the argument. I was able to see the consistency of and wrong-headedness of both my daughter's and my husband's arguments. (Of course I wasn't able to convince them of it, but to me it was crystal clear.) Even though on the surface they looked very different, it turned out that they both were atttempting to change my behavior in such a way that increased my burden, and hence only escalated the playing of the sadomasochistic game. And so, I declined :)
I think this quality, the deceptively opposite ways in which h and dtr's individual personalities manifest is something that has generally frustrated me, and hid their similarities from me. He's covert, she is overt. From a distance they seem as different as night and day, her loud ranting vs his Mr Reasonable impersonation. However, when you break it down to those core criteria, they are both players on the same team. They are a tag team of two against my one. I know now that the only way to make significant change in the role I play around here, is to either walk away or become sadistic. Experience made those facts clear to me a long long long time ago. I just could never understand why. And so I kept banging my head against the proverbial brick wall. Now I see that it all comes down to the fact that there is no middle ground in sadomasochism. The structural basis of the dynamic will not allow it.
To play the sadistic role and flip the dynamic on its head, I must overcompensate. I must make a mountain out of a mole hill, just to get some measure of what I want. This is something I learned, through trail and error. And it does work, but I hate doing it! Plus I feel it requires far too much energy to sustain across the board. I've no desire to be an enforcer all the time. It's hard enough to speak up for myself as is. And so it seems, I'm basically left with one choice, to leave :( And that's such a big step. I can't help but wonder if there might be a third way, a way to simply not play the game, like a limp non-violent protestor being dragged away by the cops?
I enjoyed the book and got something very practical out of reading it. In addition it has made me want to go study sociology and social psychology and other fields looking for more parallels between group and individual behaviors.
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[U][B]When the Body Is the Target, [I]Self-Harm, Pain, and Traumatic Attachments"[/I][/B][/U] by Sharon Klayman Farber
This book focuses quite a bit on the extremes of self-harm behaviors that in my opinion have gotten a bit too much press in recent years. As the parent of a teenage girl, I've grown tired of what I see as sensationalism surrounding things like cutting and anorexia/bulemia, especailly when masquerading as public education. And for that reason I almost didn't buy the book. In addition, although I do very clearly recognize that I often use food to regulate my mood, especially when I am stressed, I wasn't really expecting to find much to relate to personally in this book. Boy was I wrong on that one! As I read I found that I couldn't be without a pen or highlighter in hand. Although I've not needed to resort to the extreme behaviors that make up a majority of the book, I am very familiar with emotional pain and the struggle to express and contain it. The dynamics described in this book are alive in many aspects of my life. Considering the ins and outs of this stuff for myself, my relationships and those around me was both gut wrenching at times and also eye opening.
The book covered SO SO much, it's almost impossible to describe. Below I'll simply touch on some of the themes that I found most interesting and/or relevant to my life.
Self-harm is ubiquitous. Many forms of self-harm are socially/culturally approved to varying degrees. Some self-harming people are expressing positive values; others, rage and pain. Some, are looking for approval while others are trying to shock or provoke a reponse. I found it interesting to compare and contrast the various ways in which the methods and motivations of self-harm, plus the sort of social approval, + or - , can vary, combine and sometimes conflict. Think and contrast: political hunger striker, bulemic ballerina, pierced and tattooed punk-rocker, steroid using baseball player, alcohal/nicotine addicted middle-ager, self-starving 12 year old girl, compulsive shopper, high-rolling gambler, extreme sport thrill seeker. Some are considered saints or heros, and rewarded; some are completely disapproved of; and others get mixed reviews, depending on whether we are publicly or privately judging them. It becomes quite a twisted knot, even on the less harmful end of the spectrum.
Self-harm in and on the body, as symbolic language, expresses emotional pain when one has not the words or ability to say it. And our unconscious can be endlessly creative in doing so. "We need to take in and metabolize our experience. Metabolizing pleasurable memories is easy for most of us. Metabolizing traumatic memories... is not as these memories are more likely to be repressed, or... to be dissociated and stored in the body.......... But unmetabolized experience has a power and energy of its own. ............. unmetabolized experience pushes for discharge, for motor release." (pg 90-91)
"Better to control one kind of pain than to be controlled by another kind. ......... This is the basis for self-harm: the substitution of one kind of pain for another to divert onesself from the original pain." (pg 45) This idea of substitution intrigues me, whether it is substitution of symptoms or substitution of one sort of pain for another. It's something that I had a quite bit of experience with, not quite a year ago. And frankly, at the time, it confused the heck out of me. However, I now clearly see that I was substituting. A rapidly shifting environment had left my traditional balancing behaviors obsolete, but I had not yet completely outgrown the pain. And it still demanded expression for some time, but has gradually dissipated. I also am interested in issues of control, and how some (often any!) measure of control, or perhaps even just a [I]sense[/I] of control, can often pacify.
Another, I guess, obvious but also intriguing theme in this book for me was how the consistent presence of one's own body is something one can always turn to, as opposed to the often fickleness of other people. "The contents of the body assume a special importance because of their permanence and because they provide an illusory sense of omnipotence. "I don't need you or anyone else, I just need my body and food."" (pg 153)
The concept of hunger diseases based on a lack of self-esteem rang very true for me, and I also think it aptly describes much of modern America. It matters not whether a person self-medicates using starvation or purging or sex or power or shopping or drugs or television. These behaviors are all symptoms of the same disease. Most self-harm behaviors can substitue for one another, they're interchangable and combinable. What is of utmost importance is that the emotional/psychic pain find expression of the appropriate magnitude.
The section titled "Chronic Patienthood as an Identity" gave me an insight into my mother that I'd not considered before. Mom was definitely a chronic patient and I'd always attributed this simply to her self-centeredness and desire for attention and caring. However the author pointed out that people may cling to the false self of the perpetual patient "as a means of retaining autonomy", that they may feel not so much as if they gave up their symptoms but rather that the symptoms were taken away, and that letting go of their patienthood identity "means loss, sadness, and guilt that needs to be worked through in treatment." (pg 359-361) Those ideas gave me alot to think about because there was an undeniable quality to my mother when she was out-of-balance that felt almost triumphant. At these times she had the power to control others through her symptoms. It makes perfect sense to me now that loss of that power would have been significant to her. No wonder a lifetime of medical and psychiatric intervention got her nowhere.
Human attachment both as cause and cure was discussed in many place throughout the book. For example,
"When our early attachments have been insecure, we will tend to want what we cannot have or never did have. It is not the wanting or the hunger that is problematic, but the lack of recognition of it. It is the blind looking for what one hungers for in objects, substances, and relationships that can not provide it that is ultimately harmful." (pg 345)
"A central theme of many patients, but especially those whose lives are organized around self-harm, is that "there is no one there" for them, a theme that speaks of a lack of secure attachments; earlier in life there was no one home emotionally in a consistent and reliable way. To have nobody (no body) makes one turn aggressively to one's body in order to feel that there is somebody (some body) there." (pg 353)
"At the heart of psychotherapy is a safe and secure human attachment that has the potential to alter and even repair the attachments to pain and suffering encoded in the brain in those who harm themselves." (pg 353)
The author's stories of the ups and downs of various patient's treatments felt real and often familiar, as did the quotes from her survey of self-harmers and other case history samples.
This book was a slow read for me. I had to take emotional breaks. But it was well worth my time.
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I think these two book are each excellent on their own. However, for me, taken together, they become a perfect pair.
They conveniently explain the mechanisms and interplay behind behaviors, my own and other people's, that have ruled my life. I've struggled to get a grip on this stuff essentially forever. These behaviors and the dynamics that perpetuate them are what I am currently trying to step outside of. Understanding where it all comes from and how the pieces fit together and why, makes what I'm doing easier. (Note: NOT easy, but easier.)
The self-harming individual can have a sadomasochistically oriented relationship with themself, as well as with other people. The psychology of insecure attachments and the essential nature of food to the survival of our body can combine in ways that frankly become pretty ridiculous as the sadomasochistic dynamic evolves..
I understand now why so many of the battles in my home over the past few years with my daughter and husband (and also many of the outrageous situations with my mother in her later years of life) ALL have revolved in and around the kitchen, food, consuming, and in the case of my mother, eliminating. Each of these people has/had expectations of me, they are/were insatiable, and consequences always follow(ed) from my inadeqaucies and rebellions. In the end they harm themselves and our relationship by denying their own dependencies etc and attempting to project them onto me. And I of course both express and perpetuate my own pain by dancing with them.
Now that my eyes have been opened, I could talk forever on this subject, citing one perfect example after another from real life, but I'll shut-up now :^) because this is one damn long post!
