Was it something I said !?!?

Today I was washing my hands in the Farmer's Market bathroom. The water was warm and that felt nice. I got some soap from the dispenser and then stuck my hands back under the warm running water. I rinsed slowly, pausing on purpose to savor the warmth. I was sorta in a mood to relax into things, in general. I'd been a little bummed out in the previous store, feeling at odds with the world. I was conciously trying to lose that negativity. And it just felt good, the warmth. (I do btw always appreciate their bathroom. It's usually clean and the hand dryers are powerful. They actually dry your hands, quickly, unlike so many public restrooms where you end up wiping your hands on your pants as you exit. grr )

Anyway, as I was rinsing my hands, Suddenly, briefly, an image of a fight/struggle with my mother flashed through my mind. Actually it wasn't exactly an image, as in a picture, but rather the remembrance of being in the bathroom infront of the sink and the fact that she was trying to literally wash my mouth out with soap. I recall we struggled. I do not remember whether she was successful at all. I've no memory of the taste of soap, so maybe I wriggled away. However, I clearly recall my astonishment and the absurdity of it all, the idea that she really meant it, meant to do it, it wasn't just a figure of speech for her.

No idea why this popped up when it did. It was quick, sudden. It's not a major memory. I mean, if you were to use the expression, "I should wash your mouth out with soap!" in my presence, I very well might laugh and say, "Hey, my mother actually tried to do that once!" But I swear it's not one of the memories that I think about. I have plenty of stories of mom and occassionally one of them will come to mind for some reason or another but this is just not one of them.

Weird. I have no idea how old I was or what it was that I said to prompt this action from her.

Well I say I have no idea why it came to mind, but then again, on the surface it does kinda make some sense. I have been thinking alot about the act of speaking lately; and, how I self-censor alot; and, how the majority of what I hold in, ends up hurting me, disrespecting me. (And I've been meaning to write about all that but haven't taken/made the time.) I say it is wierd because I really do NOT think that this particular struggle with my mom was spectacularly traumatic or influenced/marked me all that much. But who knows. Actually she was verbally and emotionally abusive much of the time, perhaps the fact that in this instance, she was being physical, was significant and memorable. Again, who knows \(@.o)/

Oh well, I just found it interesting and weird, the fact that it came to mind, and the way in which the memory flashed by out of nowhere.

I wonder what the heck it was that I said, that ticked her off so much? I must have been pretty young if she actually thought she could physically do that to me! What could a little kid say that would be so bad? Good grief, do/did other parents actually do that? - stick a bar of soap into a kid's mouth? I mean, it is just an expression, right?