bah, humbug

"What do you want for your birthday?"
I never know how to answer that question.
Honestly the whole gift giving thing has always bugged me. The artificiality makes me feel invisible.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I am sure that I will enjoy the cds I receive for my birthday. (And I know that providing a list will ensure they won't buy something I've already downloaded etc) But the thing is, the tell-us-what-you-want business is actually work on my part. Afterall I could just as easily go buy the stuff myself IF STUFF was what I truly wanted.
And so I can't help but ask, where is the present in all this? Where's the surprise? the joy? the fun?
And where is the celebration of life inherent in the words "happy birthday"?

I've contemplated this gifting crapola forever and here's the conclusion to which I've come. IMHO most all gift giving - birthday christmas anytime - is simply an opportunity for the gift-givers to feel good about themselves.
Over the years I can't count how many times I have heard,
"Oh is that the ________ I gave you for your birthday? You must be enjoying it, huh? Well good, I am glad." *pats self on the back for being so thoughtful and choosing the right present*

For the longest time I carried an emotional load after these sorts of conversations. I didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings; but also I didn't like being asked, there was just something "off" about it. I think something inside of me saw through the superficiality but I discounted it. Recently though I've come to see this sort of situation for what it is, parasitic egotism, not innocent curiosity or genuine caring. Basically, I was being required to supply the gift-giver an ego-boost through not only initially accepting the gift and using it, but also periodically updating the boost through answering such questions with continued assurance as to the pleasing nature of the gift.

I guess it is just human nature, hmmm? People embrace routines and ritual; and fear uncertainty and spontaneity. They want to know what is coming next and especially what is expected of them. They depend on the predictability of holidays with their check-the-box reassurances, in order to be certain of their own personal goodness and the completeness of life.

And so what better way for us all to stay even keeled in the self-esteem department, than to have cookie cutter gift giving holidays sprinkled throughout the year? Sure, there might be a little pressure making gift decisions as each event approaches but as long as you stick to the format you're certain to succeed, right? Flowers, check. Greeting card, check. Cake, check. Ice cream, check. Phew! All done, good job! Now take a break! Aw yeah, you deserve it, you thoughtful generous animal. *pats self on back*
Works quite nicely, I guess, until somebody gets bored to fucking death.

What would happen if I insisted on no presents for my birthday? I don't think they could stand it. It would make them uncomfortable. If I didn't "want" anything, I'd be depriving them of the feel-good of giving. And that would be mighty inconsiderate of me, huh?
*sigh*