gifting

What does it mean when someone wants to give you something that you didn't ask for and don't particularly want?
And what is the proper course of action in such a situation?

This sort of dilemma has bugged me for most of my life. I believe I have now come to see others' motivations for what they truly are, an attempt to control me, to use me, while at the same time boosting their own feel-good factor.
These are win-win situations for them; and a great big frowny face for me :(

Only recently have I managed to get out from underneath these sorts encounters. It's still a struggle but I am getting more savvy at recognizing them. This weekend offered a spectacular such situation. And I am happy to report that I saw it developing in real time, made conscious choices and managed to avoid being railroaded. YAY me! :)

I've been trying to figure out how to write about this subject for some time now because I have long seen the problem. Having hit upon some success with it recently, I am feeling the urge to share today. I think the best way to approach this is by giving a couple specific examples and tossing in some of my homemade psycho-shit analysis.

Example ONE
A few years ago, friend "C" was moving. She decided to buy a new frig to make her home more attractive to prospective buyers. She offered her old one to me. Granted her discarded appliance was nicer than mine, but I didn't want hers because of its size and I said so. She didn't seem to want to take "no" for an answer. We went around it several times. In the end I agreed to take it. At a time highly inconvenient for me, I picked it up. Then under threat of a rain storm I had to enlist (actually force) a couple reluctant others to help me get it inside the house. Several weeks later this frig quit making cold. It was apparently damaged from the handtruck's bouncing down the basement steps. (I am told frigs are quite fragile in this way. Oh well, guess you learn something new everyday, huh?)
And so there it sits to this day doing nothing but taking up space.

So what happened in this situation?

1) Friend C got her feel-good. She reinforced for herself once again that she is a generous person cuz she gave away something valuable. Plus she didn't have to deal with or pay for her old appliance to be taken away and discarded.

2) I got stuck with multiple burdens.
I am now saddled with either,
fixing it
(I've wondered what it might cost to fix and if I might could then sell it on Craig's list)
OR
finding someone to help me haul the heavy-ass son of a bitch to the curb
and then paying the city's disposal fee.

Both options require me to spend more time and maybe money AND to ask for help, something which I am very disinclined to do.
And so the frig sits along with my GUILT -
guilt at not standing up for myself,
guilt for not being strong enough to force her into taking my "no thank you", and
guilt at not being more careful in getting it down the steps.

Fwiw this was not the first time this friendship manifest such a gifting dynamic. However it was the last. :D
I have decided that this particular sort of giving is a physical real world counterpart to the psychological concept of emotional projection. And I thank friend C for showing me the way to this understanding.

Example TWO
Roomie and I attended a festival. As is typical for such events, when it was all over, other festival goers left a huge mess of empty beer cans, trash, busted folding chairs etc. I knew that the organizers had a crew set to come in the next day for picking up the trash and recycling. However having made some lovely groundscores during and after the festival, I decided that I wanted to "give back" to the Gods of Universal Generosity. I thought that perhaps I could create balance for my scores and maybe even earn myself a few good karma points, by filling several bags of recycling before leaving the festival grounds. I was in no hurry, the weather was lovely. I figured that my action would lessen the clean-up crew's burden a tiny bit.

Roomie and I were in separate cars. I announced my recycling plan. He was free to leave when ever he wanted. He picked up some recycling and then stated he was ready to leave and listed his reasons why. I said fine but that I wasn't ready yet. He then told me that he had been planning on following me on the drive home "just in case your car were to break down or something". My car is old and did have a problem on my last trip out of town. That problem though was taken care of and I was not worried about my vehicle's dependability on this day. I had not asked to be followed. AND I was willing to accept the risk. (Note, when it broke down previously, no one was forced to come and rescue me, I bore the complete burden, secured repairs and sucked up my frustration at being late to where I'd been heading.) Roomie persisted briefly in his argument that I should quit wandering the campground with my recycling bag. Eventually he saw that I was unmoved. He then waited in his car with the A/C running.

So what was going on in this situation?

IMHO Roomie wanted a feel-good.
He wanted to feel good about following me, about protecting me, something he had been unable to do on the previous trip when my car did break down. The thing is I hadn't asked for this help or protection AND I felt it wasn't necessary at all on this occasion. It seemed unfair to me that I should have to change my plans because he had decided to give me this "following home" business. This was coming out of the blue for me, it was nothing we had previously discussed.

As I see it, his offer to follow me was in service to his own fear, his own worries that I might break down. It was not tied to me or to the car's current reality. And so I continued my clean-up activity un-influenced by his offer or decision to wait. In the not so distant past I likely would have changed my plans and cut short my recycling. In the same way that I gave friend C what she wanted by taking that god damned frig, I would have given him what he wanted by leaving when he wanted. I would have resented having to do so, but I would have done it, after a short protest of course. I would have sucked up my frustration and unhappiness.

Ok perhaps I have gone far enough with this example, and you already think me a horrible bitch for not accepting his offer, but I would like to share another wrinkle that I see in here. (And if you were on the fence in your opinion, this will probably help you solidify it.) There is an additional layer of the psychological shifting of emotions present in this situation (and relationship) that I think is very important to understand.

Roomie was not (and never is) feeling so generous as to want to clean up someone else's mess. The fact that I was doing such a thing could be interpreted positively towards me. Moi, yeah, I am a do-gooder. Go ahead, hate me ;)  I propose here that Roomie noticed this fact unconsciously (and probably not for the first time in his life). He then flipped the emotion around to reflect negatively on himself, since he was not active in the doing good, but rather trying to stop it.
If I am good he must be bad and vice versa, cuz we are a pair, right? Yeah that is most definitely wrong-headed but unfortunately it is often how it works psychologically in relationships.

However being unable to contain a negative thought about himself, it became necessary for him to project that emotion onto me. And voilà! I became the inconsiderate person! In his eyes I was "making" him wait, and all he had done was generously offered to follow me home. I was doing something unnecessary, even frivolous, while rejecting his chivalrous offer of protection. And that clearly makes me the bad guy. Yep this psychological emotion stuff gets twisted but I would just about bet my life on this interpretation. I've lived it so many times. Now after studying it academically for a few years, it has all begun to make sense.

On this day though I saw the dynamic and chose not to play into it. I think that this is a good thing. I could be completely misguided but it sure felt good. And I am tired of feeling bad.

So what does this all mean? And what is the proper course of action when caught in such a potential riptide?

These two examples on the surface might seem quite different to the inexperienced eye. However I contend that they share an identical emotional pattern that can be recognized with practice. In each situation the giver was giving something that the receiver did not want or need. The givers were angling for a positive psychological feel-good for themselves. However in order for the giver to in fact get that desired feel good, the receiver must bear the burden, they must take on the weight of the unwanted unneeded "gift". And that is where the chain can be broken.

Whether physical or emotional or both, these gifts are heavy mother-fuckers. (Even the really little ones add up overtime.) Before you know it a strong back can be broken in this way. So what is the secret to ending these sorts of shifts in emotional mass? Don't take on another person's shit! Just say NO! and stick to your guns, little receivers!

Ultimately it is all about power - the power to make ourselves feel good OR feel bad, which ever the case may be. It is about being stuck in a rut, which is the result of fear of change or a lack of imagination. We are predisposed by early psychological experiences towards being givers or receivers. We unconsciously believe ourself powerful and entitled; or, not. We tend to relive and reinforce these patterns everyday.These tenancies need to be made conscious.

We all need to learn how to be both, takers and givers, or lol maybe neither! At the very least let's mix it up, and not always play the same side of the equation every time, huh?  Recognizing when we are immersed in such a giver/receiver dynamic is necessary. Then we can allow the individual situation to dictate; and let the burden fall where it belongs. Coming to this balance point requires an honest evaluation of ones self. Without evaluation and self-awareness we remain trapped and blind. Ask yourself, "what is my role in this situation?" ... "what is my motivation?" ...

Do you encourage others to take advantage because you feel helpless to do otherwise? Are you playing the part of the people-pleaser and setting yourself up again and again? Are you silently carrying others' burdens for them, while they get off scot-free, because you are afraid to voice anger and displeasure? OR Are you being lazy cuz you're a lazy s.o.b.?  Do you coerce others into taking what you wish to offload because they are gullible and you just don't give a damn? Are you patting yourself on the back for good deeds inflicted, proud of your little coup?

Admit it, if it is true. There is no other way.

How about give yourself the gift of honesty for a change?

Bear the burdens which rightly belong to you;
and give back (or simply don't take) the ones that don't belong.