questionable equivalents

Tell me -
Are these the same song?

Jimi Hendrix' 'Angel' vs The Police's 'If you love them set them free'

I mean
as in
Are they expressing the same sentiment?
Or not?

And
if so,
or if not,
WHY?

I ask cuz I can't explain it (without a couple thousand words)
but the songs link inside my head.
And given a few beers plus couple hours,
I could likely relate several guy-experiences in my past where I "know" that I am/was the reason for these guys grooving on said songs.

And damn it I just have never decided if
I like this or not!

And so I ask.

gifting

What does it mean when someone wants to give you something that you didn't ask for and don't particularly want?
And what is the proper course of action in such a situation?

This sort of dilemma has bugged me for most of my life. I believe I have now come to see others' motivations for what they truly are, an attempt to control me, to use me, while at the same time boosting their own feel-good factor.
These are win-win situations for them; and a great big frowny face for me :(

Only recently have I managed to get out from underneath these sorts encounters. It's still a struggle but I am getting more savvy at recognizing them. This weekend offered a spectacular such situation. And I am happy to report that I saw it developing in real time, made conscious choices and managed to avoid being railroaded. YAY me! :)

I've been trying to figure out how to write about this subject for some time now because I have long seen the problem. Having hit upon some success with it recently, I am feeling the urge to share today. I think the best way to approach this is by giving a couple specific examples and tossing in some of my homemade psycho-shit analysis.

Example ONE
A few years ago, friend "C" was moving. She decided to buy a new frig to make her home more attractive to prospective buyers. She offered her old one to me. Granted her discarded appliance was nicer than mine, but I didn't want hers because of its size and I said so. She didn't seem to want to take "no" for an answer. We went around it several times. In the end I agreed to take it. At a time highly inconvenient for me, I picked it up. Then under threat of a rain storm I had to enlist (actually force) a couple reluctant others to help me get it inside the house. Several weeks later this frig quit making cold. It was apparently damaged from the handtruck's bouncing down the basement steps. (I am told frigs are quite fragile in this way. Oh well, guess you learn something new everyday, huh?)
And so there it sits to this day doing nothing but taking up space.

So what happened in this situation?

1) Friend C got her feel-good. She reinforced for herself once again that she is a generous person cuz she gave away something valuable. Plus she didn't have to deal with or pay for her old appliance to be taken away and discarded.

2) I got stuck with multiple burdens.
I am now saddled with either,
fixing it
(I've wondered what it might cost to fix and if I might could then sell it on Craig's list)
OR
finding someone to help me haul the heavy-ass son of a bitch to the curb
and then paying the city's disposal fee.

Both options require me to spend more time and maybe money AND to ask for help, something which I am very disinclined to do.
And so the frig sits along with my GUILT -
guilt at not standing up for myself,
guilt for not being strong enough to force her into taking my "no thank you", and
guilt at not being more careful in getting it down the steps.

Fwiw this was not the first time this friendship manifest such a gifting dynamic. However it was the last. :D
I have decided that this particular sort of giving is a physical real world counterpart to the psychological concept of emotional projection. And I thank friend C for showing me the way to this understanding.

Example TWO
Roomie and I attended a festival. As is typical for such events, when it was all over, other festival goers left a huge mess of empty beer cans, trash, busted folding chairs etc. I knew that the organizers had a crew set to come in the next day for picking up the trash and recycling. However having made some lovely groundscores during and after the festival, I decided that I wanted to "give back" to the Gods of Universal Generosity. I thought that perhaps I could create balance for my scores and maybe even earn myself a few good karma points, by filling several bags of recycling before leaving the festival grounds. I was in no hurry, the weather was lovely. I figured that my action would lessen the clean-up crew's burden a tiny bit.

Roomie and I were in separate cars. I announced my recycling plan. He was free to leave when ever he wanted. He picked up some recycling and then stated he was ready to leave and listed his reasons why. I said fine but that I wasn't ready yet. He then told me that he had been planning on following me on the drive home "just in case your car were to break down or something". My car is old and did have a problem on my last trip out of town. That problem though was taken care of and I was not worried about my vehicle's dependability on this day. I had not asked to be followed. AND I was willing to accept the risk. (Note, when it broke down previously, no one was forced to come and rescue me, I bore the complete burden, secured repairs and sucked up my frustration at being late to where I'd been heading.) Roomie persisted briefly in his argument that I should quit wandering the campground with my recycling bag. Eventually he saw that I was unmoved. He then waited in his car with the A/C running.

So what was going on in this situation?

IMHO Roomie wanted a feel-good.
He wanted to feel good about following me, about protecting me, something he had been unable to do on the previous trip when my car did break down. The thing is I hadn't asked for this help or protection AND I felt it wasn't necessary at all on this occasion. It seemed unfair to me that I should have to change my plans because he had decided to give me this "following home" business. This was coming out of the blue for me, it was nothing we had previously discussed.

As I see it, his offer to follow me was in service to his own fear, his own worries that I might break down. It was not tied to me or to the car's current reality. And so I continued my clean-up activity un-influenced by his offer or decision to wait. In the not so distant past I likely would have changed my plans and cut short my recycling. In the same way that I gave friend C what she wanted by taking that god damned frig, I would have given him what he wanted by leaving when he wanted. I would have resented having to do so, but I would have done it, after a short protest of course. I would have sucked up my frustration and unhappiness.

Ok perhaps I have gone far enough with this example, and you already think me a horrible bitch for not accepting his offer, but I would like to share another wrinkle that I see in here. (And if you were on the fence in your opinion, this will probably help you solidify it.) There is an additional layer of the psychological shifting of emotions present in this situation (and relationship) that I think is very important to understand.

Roomie was not (and never is) feeling so generous as to want to clean up someone else's mess. The fact that I was doing such a thing could be interpreted positively towards me. Moi, yeah, I am a do-gooder. Go ahead, hate me ;)  I propose here that Roomie noticed this fact unconsciously (and probably not for the first time in his life). He then flipped the emotion around to reflect negatively on himself, since he was not active in the doing good, but rather trying to stop it.
If I am good he must be bad and vice versa, cuz we are a pair, right? Yeah that is most definitely wrong-headed but unfortunately it is often how it works psychologically in relationships.

However being unable to contain a negative thought about himself, it became necessary for him to project that emotion onto me. And voilà! I became the inconsiderate person! In his eyes I was "making" him wait, and all he had done was generously offered to follow me home. I was doing something unnecessary, even frivolous, while rejecting his chivalrous offer of protection. And that clearly makes me the bad guy. Yep this psychological emotion stuff gets twisted but I would just about bet my life on this interpretation. I've lived it so many times. Now after studying it academically for a few years, it has all begun to make sense.

On this day though I saw the dynamic and chose not to play into it. I think that this is a good thing. I could be completely misguided but it sure felt good. And I am tired of feeling bad.

So what does this all mean? And what is the proper course of action when caught in such a potential riptide?

These two examples on the surface might seem quite different to the inexperienced eye. However I contend that they share an identical emotional pattern that can be recognized with practice. In each situation the giver was giving something that the receiver did not want or need. The givers were angling for a positive psychological feel-good for themselves. However in order for the giver to in fact get that desired feel good, the receiver must bear the burden, they must take on the weight of the unwanted unneeded "gift". And that is where the chain can be broken.

Whether physical or emotional or both, these gifts are heavy mother-fuckers. (Even the really little ones add up overtime.) Before you know it a strong back can be broken in this way. So what is the secret to ending these sorts of shifts in emotional mass? Don't take on another person's shit! Just say NO! and stick to your guns, little receivers!

Ultimately it is all about power - the power to make ourselves feel good OR feel bad, which ever the case may be. It is about being stuck in a rut, which is the result of fear of change or a lack of imagination. We are predisposed by early psychological experiences towards being givers or receivers. We unconsciously believe ourself powerful and entitled; or, not. We tend to relive and reinforce these patterns everyday.These tenancies need to be made conscious.

We all need to learn how to be both, takers and givers, or lol maybe neither! At the very least let's mix it up, and not always play the same side of the equation every time, huh?  Recognizing when we are immersed in such a giver/receiver dynamic is necessary. Then we can allow the individual situation to dictate; and let the burden fall where it belongs. Coming to this balance point requires an honest evaluation of ones self. Without evaluation and self-awareness we remain trapped and blind. Ask yourself, "what is my role in this situation?" ... "what is my motivation?" ...

Do you encourage others to take advantage because you feel helpless to do otherwise? Are you playing the part of the people-pleaser and setting yourself up again and again? Are you silently carrying others' burdens for them, while they get off scot-free, because you are afraid to voice anger and displeasure? OR Are you being lazy cuz you're a lazy s.o.b.?  Do you coerce others into taking what you wish to offload because they are gullible and you just don't give a damn? Are you patting yourself on the back for good deeds inflicted, proud of your little coup?

Admit it, if it is true. There is no other way.

How about give yourself the gift of honesty for a change?

Bear the burdens which rightly belong to you;
and give back (or simply don't take) the ones that don't belong.

beauty and struggle

My cat killed a bird this morning. I was fixing to pop the top on a little can of ever so delicious beef feast in beef flavored gravy when, I looked out the window and saw him playing with something brown and bouncy. I stepped outside to investigate. He rapidly lost interest, apparently his toy had suddenly stopped moving. I was curious. My bet was on it being a chipmunk, as they're quite plentiful and are paws-down the most tasty game to be found in this area. I was surprised to find, it was a small brown bird.

I knew this cat desired our feathered friends, more so than our other cats do. Many times I've seen him sitting inside on the bathroom window sill pitifully trembling and licking his lips over noisy flocks outside. I just never really thought he could take one down. He is, you see, the boy who has been found more than once munching on others kills, yes, sad but true, even road-killed squirrels were not above him in his younger days. Therefore a part of me was rather proud of him. After all, birds fly, they don't make it easy! I was pleased to see his skill set broadened.

Another part of me though was torn, heartbroken. It is a familiar pain. I've had outdoor cats all my life and so have seen my share of dead and dying small critters (many of them killed in my honor or brought to bed live in the middle of the night). I have friends who strongly believe that all cats should live indoors, who say that they are evil sadistic creatures depleting songbird population etc and that I am a bad pet owner (regardless of the fact that my animals are spayed, neutered, vaccinated and well fed!). The thing is I just know that I would never ever want to live indoors all the time. And so I have never been able to impose such limits on my animals. Believe me, I can be a real control freak about some issues, but this is one no-win situation which I have never tried to fight. A cat's predatory self is natural and thus I believe it is simply something we have to accept and respect. Whether we like it or identify with it, matters not.

Now I've seen plenty of dead birds but this one was still breathing, gasping actually, its little beak opening and closing rhythmically, and it hurt to watch. It's always hard knowing there is nothing one can to do to help or fix a sad situation. I wanted to pet it. The soft downy feathers were super tempting. But I knew that touch was likely the last thing the poor creature needed or wanted. I cupped my hands round in the grass.

All I could do was sit and witness.
"I witness your beauty; and, your struggle."
It was not unlike watching my older cat pass away last winter.
"I love you. You are not alone."

Waiting for last breaths, I caught myself wanting to hurry them on,
in order to selfishly relieve my own pain and disturbing emotions.
They struggled
I struggled
"Stay
centered
here in the now of this moment
You can do it"
And then,
gone.

I believe it would have been cowardly of me to turn away from those last moments. I know I brought no true comfort or pain relief but I wanted to offer my love, to share a tiny bit energy, to send them on their way into the unknown.

Some would say my actions and beliefs in these such matters are simply a psychological projection of my own need and loneliness. And I can not deny the logic in such a position. However I prefer to think that these little personal connections are the big moments that matter most. It is what we are meant to do, to live, to be, to be simply, and to witness one another. None can ever truly help another. Each has their own life to live and to lose, all on their own. The best we can do is be present, bear witness respecting the expression of the divine in each individual, including our self.

touch me

Do you exist?
How do you know?
Cuz you logged in today?
and found yourself tagged in someone
else's pics? Or saw a reply to the post you made
on her wall? Cuz you googled your own name? and the search
did not come up empty? Or was it because, you are
absolutely certain that you heard that sucking
sound, when at last, you'd said
your goodbyes

tiktok

I SO much prefer time without clocks

swims-with-rainbows

As a child I never really enjoyed making up "indian names", something that I recall other kids happily goofing on frequently. In that same vein I was never interested in participating in plays or the drama club in school, I didn't want to pretend to be some one else. And I could never understand the fun that others got from being "in character" at a costume party. I guess you could say I had a hang-up with identity, maybe a control issue, a deep desire to not be mis-labeled.

The first time I had to create a username online it bugged me because it seemed just one more hoop to jump through, one more barrier preventing me from getting to do what I'd logged on to do. I got all hung up over the fact that it needed to be something that I could remember, but the privacy paranoid inside me wouldn't allow the use of my real name.

Over time though I've shifted my feelings on this naming business. I've come to appreciate the amazing creativity possible in pairing just the right name with its raison d'etre. And I have even found that finding the perfect corresponding password and email can be almost orgasmic.

Yesterday I was swimming laps when late afternoon sunlight shone in to the pool. Wish I'd had a camera! I've seen this happen before. It is one of the things I like about this particular pool. First lane one was in the light, then lanes one and two... Slowly the light made its way across, bathing new lanes with brightness, then eventually receding from each in turn.

The really cool thing yesterday that I don't believe I ever noticed before was the rainbows. Why rainbows? I don't know. Maybe the water chemistry was just right? Or perhaps there was something special about the exact angle of the sun on this April afternoon. Or maybe the windows had recently been washed.

There they were! all over the place! At first I thought the colors might have been the product of my new googles, as if conceivably the lens coating was bending the images and I was the only one seeing rainbows. But no, I stopped, pulled my googles off and took a break. I became mesmerized. The water's surface was in constant motion due to the movement of swimmers in all corners of the pool. Every dimple of water, every sloshing standing wave cast a wiggling alive giraffe-splotch of light on the pool bottom. And each constantly morphing shape was bounded by a sharp line of rainbow light. Whenever a swimmer in the next lane passed by, it all broke up becoming gray and lumpy, like roiling clouds or surf-foam. A few seconds later the boundary lines would re-establish and the rainbows would brighten. Being a university pool, I suspect there were more than a few engineers and scientists splashing about who could have geeked long and hard about light, water, wavelengths, reflection, diffraction, turbulence and I could have enjoyed that too. But none of those revelations would've been able to compete with the sheer joy of being immersed in living rainbow water.

Watching the rainbows, my strokes had new energy. My eyes roamed back and forth constantly over shifting colors and I swear the laps became shorter. I turned my head to breath and inhaled the blinding sun itself.  I found myself giggling underwater and thinking, "I wanna do this every day! ....swims-with-rainbows, YES! ...  swimswithrainbows, what a fucking cool username that would be!... "

Now I know this name easily lends itself to images of the saccharine sparkly unicorns and smiley faces so popular with the pre-teen set, and a certain variety of middle age woman. And I assure you a cornified username is not my intention. But I just can't help myself, I love this name! So much so that I think I might be willing to risk being misunderstood. Now if only I had some place to use it. :D

Yours truly,
SwimsWithRainbows

SPAMMERS SUCK

Over the past several years I have gotten a lot of help from talking on Internet message boards. Through a number of communities I found much needed validation, venting, education and healing relationships. I would never have sought out the help I needed in the real world - of that, there is absolutely no doubt. Without the Internet I would have been hopelessly stuck in a miserable life because I am the sort of person who does not share when I am hurting.

As wonderful as those message board relationships have been for me, it seems I've lost touch with or out grown them all. I no longer check in to places that at one time I touched base with several times a day. Recently though I have been noticing signs that an unconscious part of me is disturbed. It is an issue that I have long noticed but never wanted to talk about. I suspect that my progress in other areas is creating an environment where this neglected issue is now growing. And it seems to be becoming exponentially expressive. Everywhere I turn, I recognize the pattern. And so, a few weeks ago thinking that perhaps it is time perhaps to face this and hopefully put it behind me, I did what all modern folks do, I turned to google.

I felt quite fortunate the night I discovered a small newly created community that seemed to have potential. I thought I might perhaps be able to explore this issue of mine and learn and grow and maybe even help others by sharing some of what I have learned through my previous board memberships. I lurked for a while, eventually made an account, and later left few comments on threads. Last night, I took the plunge, I officially introduced myself and opened my issue.

This morning I logged in and discovered the site was being spammed BIG time. Every section, every thread, dozens and dozens of pharmaceutical ads posted by the same person. Motherfucker! I am pissed! My hopes dashed. This potential new home may not be as stable as it looked on the surface. What if they can't get a grip on it? What if the board sinks and disappears under mounds of spam? Damn opportunistic, rude pill pusher! This sort of spamming is pure evil.  

Last week I noticed a thread that was started by a guy who was obviously plugging his business. I didn't mind. His virtual voice sounded genuine and imo the conversation had some value. My issue with him is that although he means well, I believe he is simply alleviating symptoms temporarily, while the ultimate cause of the problem goes misunderstood and untreated. And that is essentially what I said in comment on the thread. I have no problem with his kind of post on the board, because ultimately it fulfills the mission of the board - to stimulate conversation and understanding around the board's topic. Plus his post wasn't so loud or long as to prevent others from speaking. I think it is possible that he might gain some understanding if he comes back and reads my comment. And frankly if someone reading the thread contacts him and he gains a customer, then that is fine and dandy with me too. As I see it, no one was hurt through his entrepreneurial participation.

In contrast I see absolutely no redeeming value in today's spammer. Such blatant multiple postings are the sort of thing that will quickly overwhelm the board's admin. It is hard for me to believe that anyone would support such advertising. However these self-help boards are full of desperate folks and many are grasping for any relief they can find. And so I assume that deals will be made as a result of today's spamming, discount pharmaceuticals will change hands. If it weren't profitable this sort of spamming would disappear.

I see long chains of lazy. Greedy pharmaceutical companies over-pricing. People in pain popping pills for a  easy fix. Spammers looking to make a quick buck. And none regarding the harm that ripples away from their act of selfishness. 

Like feet on bicycle peddles; one gets a free ride while the other bears the weight. The suffering circulates round and round driven by disparities of effort.